Bouncing Back.

For my whole life, I have had this immense fear of failure. My brain told me, "Don't even bother," as my heart attempted to guide me toward my goal. "It's not worth it. What if you lose? What if people see you fail? How embarrassing would that be?" 

Failure is when you don't try, and putting effort into something you love is a more significant risk than doing nothing. 

The saying, "If you never try, you'll never know," failed to penetrate my skull because the fear of putting myself out there and getting nothing in return was worse than me never knowing.

Your brain will throw hypotheticals at you, an infinite sequence of situations that have never happened—and likely will never happen—to deter you from acting. All it wants to do is protect you from the potential risk of getting hurt, but this primal reaction to the unknown is something that should be combated, not accepted.

So, why do I even mention this topic? To put it bluntly, I lost my sense of purpose once I lost my job. In so many ways, I felt inadequate because I based so much of myself on my career. 

I had an impressive-sounding title and worked challenging hours on a complex case for a good law firm. My confidence did not come from within but from the beginnings of a seemingly fruitful career. 

Once the structure of a job was gone, and I did not have school to fall back on, I was left with nothing. I was afraid of the judgment I would receive from peers—which never materialized—or that people close to me would view me as dead weight—which also never happened. Since I was in such a vulnerable state, my brain was attempting to protect me from what could be the outcome based on my situation.  

I always allowed myself to be controlled by the little voice in my head, which used incredible fear-mongering tactics to dissuade me from risk. Now that I have nothing, I can only create and engage with risk. I must put myself out there and advocate for why I am successful and for firms or corporations to consider me for employment. 

If I don't believe it or can't find the confidence within myself to see my worth, then who will? That was the reality I faced after losing my job: I have not had to base my worth on myself, and if I am not a professional, student, or athlete, then who am I?

Areas that I should've been focusing most of my attention on, such as my physical and mental health, were being overlooked as I attempted to create a life for myself within my firm.

There was no urgency to improve myself in those ways because the only attributes I focused on were my academics and my job. The superficiality of having "the job" and being "a great student" sounds good on paper, but not being able to back these accolades with the genuine belief that you deserve success makes it nearly impossible to relish your value. 

I am now realizing these things, as this has been one of the most introspective moments of my life. For the first time, I can look within myself as someone with nothing but herself to offer.

I have slowly chipped away at my fear of failure and realized that I will never be confident without finding ways to better myself and ignore the noise of external opinion. The life I want is upheld by strength, integrity, and honesty—all of these pillars are built upon the foundation of self-love and risk! So, though my fall from grace was challenging and left me with nothing, I have gained more in these few months than in the past few years. I have nothing to lose and all to gain—and that is the beauty of a mindset shift.