Getting Let Go and not Giving Up.

The Preamble

I just got let go and my first meal is the worst amalgamation of a Sicilian and New York slice I’ve ever had the displeasure of consuming. I guess the Stella I decided to pair with this abysmal “first/last meal” evens out my feelings of failure and the taste of unfathomably doughy pizza in my mouth.

I am all alone in this pizza parlor, just sitting…thinking about how my day did a total 180 within a matter of minutes. The music playing during this contemplative period was Taylor Swiftesque…adding a thick layer of white lady depression on top of my lonely lunch.

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The Revelation

You think to yourself “well, what now?” And I mean, you don’t know, right like if you knew then there would be no confusion no hesitation.

You would simply move on. There would already be a plan in place for this exact situation, so there would be no need to stress or worry. However, here you are, one half eaten pizza slice down and a Stella sloshing in your stomach, and you have no plan at all. No course of action, no resolution to this newfound problem, but you love it.

You love it because so much can come from this one moment. It’s this constant state of flux that makes life so easy to enjoy. It’s so freeing to not have to know anything. To just exist in this space of randomness, where so much can happen that is unaccounted for. Whether it be for better or for worse, this might have been one of the greatest things to happen to me so far.

I’m smiling now, sitting on the W slowly creeping toward a destination unknown. The only concrete thing in my life besides my family and my boyfriend is that I no longer have a job. The funniest part about all of this is that, earlier today, I wrote in my journal how stoked I was to not have to come into work tomorrow since I finally got approved for time off (unpaid).

Well Olivia, I guess your prayers were answered. Here is infinite unpaid time off until you get your shit in gear. With no warning, no real reason as to why I was “terminated—effective immediately,” my stay at the Hotel Weitz & Luxenberg came to a swift and unemotional end. I wish I could say that I was shocked or even angry, but I guess that I felt so blindsided that none of these emotions could even be felt.

The journal entries I wrote leading up to this day paint an image of saddness. I had made no relationships, I met my boss one time, and the innability to relate to a single coworker of mine was isolating. I have never in my life had a problem meeting people, literally ever. I could walk up to a random off the street and find something to talk about. So, maybe my four month rendevous with this law firm was perfect for me to realize what the things I value are when it comes to a work enviornment. Its like a force quit. I am now back to square one. I was the first person to have a job, now I feel like the only person without one.